Help, please.

Hi,

Sorry about the lack of blogging lately, life's busy, and it's kinda low on the priority list. I have a specific reason for posting today. I sprained my ankle at work yesterday, and I will be off until I can walk again. If you read this, could you please say a little prayer for me? I want to go back to work.

Thanks,
Lindsay

Am I living life on "auto-pilot"?

The movie "Click" caused me to ask that question of myself. Joel and I went to a matinee of this movie the other day and it is amazingly deep for an Adam Sandler movie. His movies are maturing as he is. It still managed to be really funny at the same time though. It was a good balance, for the most part. Still had a few unnecessarily coarse moments, but they were worth enduring, I think. Anyways, "auto-pilot" is what happens in the movie when Adam skips a scene of his life in expectation of the next big thing, whatever that may be (a promotion, for example). It's kind-of a basic physical maintenance kind of state, probably equivalent to being a zombie. I feel like I'm in auto-pilot sometimes, because I think about the next days off, holidays, when we will have kids, when we will pay off our student loans, when we will have our own house, instead of being completely "in the moment". Of course, some forethought is good, and dreams for the future can inspire your actions today. So what frequency of future-oriented thought is healthy? Daily? Hourly? Every few minutes? Weekly? Monthly? Yearly?

Right now I think about the future probably a couple of times a day. Sometimes those thoughts won't go away when they visit me, and I end up planning the next couple of years out in my mind in excruciating detail to the point that no mere mortal could even honestly plan. When I catch myself doing that I know that it is unhealthy and unproductive. And I need to discipline my mind to not do that. Why do I do that? Do I not really believe God is in control of it all, or do I just want to try to control it myself? Lord, I give it all to You and I choose to trust You today. Let me do the same tomorrow.

Who knew an Adam Sandler movie could cause me to search my soul like that?

I've survived the summer of two moves.

I apologize to the hard-core bloggers about my drought of posts for the last 3 weeks. It's been a busy time. Worked, got ready to move, worked, cleaned, worked, moved (which included lifting heavy things for me this time), worked, and now I have some cleaning to do at Joel's Dad's house today, then maybe I can get a little rest. But I wouldn't have been able to rest knowing I haven't blogged since June, just one of those things that eats away at you.

I stayed up too late last night. I'm not one of those people who can just compensate by sleeping in. The sun gets up early, and once it's up, I can't get back to sleep if I wake up. So I'm yawning even as I type this. It was a fun night though, hanging out with friends. I get lonely at work a lot because it is so task oriented, so it was great to start off my 4 days of by spending the evening with a bunch of nice people.

We're enjoying the new place. Nice to sit on your own furniture again after housesitting for 2 months.

What else should I talk about? I feel like this post is missing something, but not sure what else I should say. Let me know.

K?
Bye for now.

P.S.
It's ironic for me that every time this thing spell checks the word "Joel's " for me it suggests I replace it with "joyless". Just thought I'd tag that on.

God teaching me.

Just thought I'd share a little about what God is teaching me the last couple weeks. I got so sick and tired of myself, sinning, then coming clean over and over. I asked God to help me figure out what I can do to stop falling into the same stupid thing repeatedly. He answered my prayer by sort of "turning up the volume" on the Holy Spirit's voice within me. Now, more often, I'm able to notice my heart turning away from God the moment it happens. This gives me the chance to turn my heart back to God before I slip into the same old behaviour(s). The downside is that if I feel my heart turn away, and I don't do anything about it, my sin is more prideful and willful, more than just a slip. But Christ's blood is enough to cleanse even willful disobedience, and what God is doing in me makes me want to love Him and obey Him more and more.

Rainy and cloudy.

Maybe it shouldn't be this way, but when it's rainy and cloudy outside it makes me feel rainy and cloudy. I was wallowing a little in self-pity yesterday because it was my first day off, and of course that means it has to rain. For a rainy day, it actually turned out not too bad, though, we went to Pam and Ryan's wedding (just the ceremony though, because Joel wasn't feeling very good), then later on we rented some movies, which we haven't done in a long time. So it turned out to be a pretty fun day after all.

Stuff and other stuff.

I have two more days of work to put in before I get my 4 day weekend. I'm always pretty tired at this point in my rotation. Also, we're still trying to figure out where we're going to live after this month. So kinda under some stress, but handling it ok.

I've been trying to experiment in the last couple of weeks with changing the types of media I watch/listen to. It was a suggestion in a book I've been reading that if your mind is exposed to purer things, you will be more likely to think purer thoughts. It makes sense to me, and I think it's starting to help me. No more C95 in the radio in my van, as well I've decided to give up a couple of my favorite TV shows that are full of immorality, like Desperate Housewives (although they are now in re-runs for the summer, but I don't plan on jumping back in this fall). Not judging anyone who watches this stuff, I'm just trying to figure out what is helpful for me personally in my specific state of weakness.

For the gals reading this, have any of you read Every Woman's Battle? I've been reading it and would like to discuss with someone, though I don't know who else has read it, or would be interested. Tried to talk to one girlfriend about it but she seemed either not to understand what I was talking about or not interested.

Beautiful day.

I'm alone today, I have the day off and Joel's working. I'm having fun. I bought a new swimming suit at Wal-mart, and hanging out by/ in the pool here. Had watermelon for lunch. Delicious. It's 30+ degrees out, what a great day. I think I'll take another dip, then maybe a nap.

Ummm...

Trying to think of something to post. It's a normal day. Have to work in 2 hrs. It's beautiful outside. I think Joel wants me to watch TV with him cause he put Family Feud on instead of Jon Stewart. I guess I'll go do that. Sorry for the stupid post. Have a good day.

Mother's Day

This is the second year in a row where I've cried on Mother's Day. For a little over a year now, I've had a strong, deep, desire to have a child. Circumstances, mostly financial, are preventing Joel and I from going ahead at this time. It makes total sense to my rational side as to why we would wait, but the feelings in my heart aren't listening to reason, so I've just been trying not to think about them. Usually I'm so busy with working that I don't think about it, but it's impossible not to on Mother's Day.

Father God,
I don't know if I should ask for a change our circumstances, or to change my mind, or to change the feelings in my heart. But I pray You will cause Your will to be done in our lives, and help me to be patient while you are doing it. I've come to understand that struggle is a fact of life for everyone, and it hurts. I pray for Your healing and comfort. Let Your will be done. Thank-you for your power, grace and love. Because of You, there is hope for me.
In Jesus name, Amen.

What do you think?

Lately, I've been wanting to post prayers on my blog, but before hitting the post button, something stops me. Would posting a prayer on here make me like a Pharisee praying loudly on a street corner?

Obligatory Post.

I'm blogging today 'cause I feel I should, not 'cause I feel I want to.

I have been really busy at work, training a new gal. It's been fun, I'm really enjoying having someone else with me while working. It's also helping me to both become more critical of my work since I have to explain everything I'm doing to someone else, and to realize how far I'm come in terms of strength, dexterity, knowledge, and skill since I first started this job last July. So it's making me humble and proud at the same time. Is that possible? My "mentee" is starting to be at the point where she is actually a to benefit me time-wise, instead of slowing me down, which is good as well. She knows how to do more at this point in her training than I did at that stage.

I'm lucky to have a job that I find rewarding, I just wish it were possible to have the security of a permanent position. But I guess God is teaching me to rely on His security instead.

I think I'll change my blog's color to turquoise today. I'm on a turquoise kick.

Poor Joel.

He had that oral surgery today to get 4 wisdom teeth out, and all he can eat for the next few days is Jello and other liquid/mushy stuff. I hope he doesn't hurt or swell too much as he is healing. I sure love that guy.

Not much else to report, work is picking up, and my manager just asked me today to mentor the new gal who is starting next week, so that'll be cool to have someone riding with me for a while.

Also, we tried to apply for a mortgage with a co-signer(my mom), but there's just too much debt between the bunch of us right now with our student loans and her mortgage. So we'll try again sometime next year, and hopefully our finances will have improved by then. This means, however that we will have to move into another apartment after we house-sit for Joel's dad. Anyone have any suggestions for good apartments?

Take Care, All. You are loved.

Another work week wrapped up.

Just finished another work week, and I get my 4 day week-end this week. That's good because I feel really in need of a rest. Work has been kind of slow this week, which is kind of frustrating, because you have to sign off for 500 min worth of work every day. This is a creative challenge when you are only given 3 hours worth of work, and so is everyone else. There's only so much cleaning and stocking you can do to your van. I guess everybody's in the same boat, though, and our manager realizes I'm not so incompetent that it really takes me 4 hours to do a highspeed install. I hope business picks up when I'm back next week, because I always feel uncomfortable having to charge more time to a ticket than it actually took me, even though it is common practice when there is no work to do. I guess as long as I make it clear in my comments that I tried to get more work from dispatch, but they didn't have any, I shouldn't feel guilty. Just wait a couple months and I'll probably be complaining there's too much to do!

I was looking at some adorable pictures and video clips of my nieces and nephew today. They really are cute kids, I'm not just biased. They brought a smile to my tired face. Have a look if you want to...
http://www.dropshots.com/new.php?userid=86219
http://www.dropshots.com/new.php?userid=73821

Making it through.

Yesterday I saw a friend at church. I asked how she was doing and she was honest with me instead of superficial. She's not doing too well, she is exhausted from work, and then I asked how her husband is doing and she sounded tentative, and said that she doesn't think he's doing great either. We arranged a coffee date for today to talk about life or whatever she needs to talk about.

After I got home from church I had a bit of a breakdown because I was already worried about how my other friends are doing, and I'm powerless to do anything to fix the things that are wrong in their lives. I went to bed and cried and prayed for my friends troubles. Even if I'm hurt or angry about how things are, God really is the only one who has the power to change these things, or heal what is broken, or give strength to overcome weakness, or reassure that goodness and righteousness is being restored to the world. And the silent treatment I was giving God, wasn't good for me, and certainly was not helping to change things for the better. Yes, I'm weak and powerless, but even more so when I refuse to pray. That's how my weekend went, it was hard, and I was confronted with my weakness and powerlessness. When I turned to God he gave me the strength and reassurance I needed to continue fighting the battle raging in this world.

What to say? What to do?

It's Saturday morning, and haven't really been in contact with any friends since I had Bible study on Monday night. I just read a few of their blogs this morning and everyone seems to be having a rough week. My friends have been confronted with the ugly brokenness of humans this week, and I don't know what to say without sounding like I'm being shallow or ignoring their pain. I just want anyone who reads this to know that I'm sitting here crying for your pain. If you are dealing with a death, news of a moral failing, sickness, weakness, I'm so sorry. I wish I could fix what's wrong with the world, but I'm weak too. So all I can do is cry and tell you I'm sorry and pray. I love you and I'm sorry...

Stepfordization?

I'm having a weird day. I thought I was working today, but when I downloaded to get my orders this morning, they didn't give me anything. That was strange, I knew business couldn't be that slow, so I checked my schedule. I'm sure they must have changed it because it now says I have today and tomorrow off. It still has the same number of days on and off, they are just in different places than I thought they were. Oh well, it was a nice surprise.

With my new found freedom today, I decided I would spend some extra time alone with God. But I didn't get on it right away, and I got the sudden urge to iron my jeans. I never iron anything, let alone jeans. This left me with three possible conclusions (perhaps whoever reads this could vote and let me know what they think). 1. I'm getting old and ironing my jeans is something that is coming with my old age. 2. Ironing is from the devil and he just wanted to distract me from God for a while to see if I would forget about the extra time. 3. Joel had me stepfordized, and that command start remote isn't really for the car.

I did finally drag myself to my bible, and had a great time once I got it open, by the way. I'm a bit compulsive in my worrying, and when I go to Jesus, He really does enable me to slow down my mind and focus on Him. My concerns are still there, but the knot in my stomach gets replaced with peace in my heart.

Praise God for unexpected days off. I'm glad that I can skip the work socks today and wear some girly socks that match both my shirt and my new car.

Getting my butt kicked, gratefully, though.

I made it through my first week back at work alive. Every muscle in my body is sore, though. I was kinda hoping since I was off for a couple months, they would give me a couple days to ride along with someone else to see if I could remember how to do this job, but no such luck. I guess it's like riding a bike. While my brain remembers most of the job, my body doesn't, though. I've lost some of the dexterity my hands and fingers had, so I'm finding handling my tools a bit awkward. I also have to get some of those nice callouses going on my hands again so I don't bleed as often, and my band-aid consumption will go down. The muscles that are complaining the most are my calves. They feel like rubber bands that could snap at any minute just from normal walking. They enjoyed their two month vacation, and now are trying to remember how they ever managed to walk the equivalent of 50 stair cases a day while carrying boxes full of tools, wire and supplies. While, I could go on, but I've reached my textual complaining limit for the day. On the bright side, I'm looking forward to getting my work metabolism and shape back, even though the process of doing that is painful.

Thank God spring is on the way. I think I suffer from a bit of Seasonal Affective Disorder, because I feel lazy and tired all winter no matter how much sleep I get, and I crave large amounts of sugar and chocolate. I'm already feeling better to some extent now that more sunlight is coming through, and the fact that days are getting longer still also is giving me something positive to focus on to get me through the remaining snow-filled days. I just heard a chickadee sing "Spring's Here", I love hearing that in early February, such a simple and wonderful encouragement from God to me, and now anyone who reads this.

My last day of getting paid to annoy Americans.

I've been praying since I got this collections job that I could find something better, or get my old job back. I knew God would answer but I wasn't expecting it to be so soon or suddenly. I got a phone call two days ago from SaskTel to offer me a new work term to start this Monday Jan. 30th as a technician again. This time I'm being given an 8 month term, so this will allow me to build up enough hours to apply for EI if I get laid off for the winter when this term expires. That way, I won't have to get a silly job annoying Americans by calling them until they pay their bill, so that I can pay my bills. I will sure appreciate this job more now that I've worked in a job where I had to work extra hours to make up for not working on Christmas Day. I also won't have nagging worries this time about whether my performance is good enough, since I'm being hired back for a second term, obviously the company feels I proven myself competent.

Well, I need to prepare for my last day on the phone as an evil debt-collector. This will be the last day when I have to go to work feeling hypocritical because I prayed the Lord's prayer that morning (forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors). Praise God.

Now thankfully, I will have many EDOs to come. Maybe I'll give one of you folks a call in my newly regained leisure time. Talk to you soon.

Lindsay, The Girl phoneman.

I think I need a babysitter

Joel left me yesterday to go be one of the old guys for a youth retreat. I've been pretty irresponsible since he's been gone. I stayed up until 2 am eating ketchup chips and drinking diet pepsi, then woke up this morning and had more ketchup chips and diet pepsi for breakfast. I felt guilty after that, so I washed it down with some baby carrots. I'm pretty pathetic as a single person I guess, I've said about 3 words outloud since I got home from work yesterday night and they were "i'm so weak". That was this morning when I went to get the carrots out of the fridge. I guess I'll heat up some lean cusine when I come home after work today so I don't repeat the same thing again.

Other than that, I don't have much other angst at this point, except the usual work-related angst. I work in the collections department for Sprint PCS, an american cell phone company. From the way I get treated by many of the people I call, it's clear that being a bill collector is one small step up from being a tax collector which we all know is the scum of the earth, right?

"Well, thank-you so much for your call sir, you have a good evening and thank-you for choosing Sprint." (Even though you should now have your mouth washed out with soap for what you just called me, and you haven't paid your bill since October.)

Inaugural post.

Hey folks,

Not much time to post now, will get back to you later. Started this blog mainly so I could post on other people's blogs. Since I started reading some of your blogs, I've wanted to comment to or comfort or encourage some of you. My first comment will be on Joel's blog, wanted to make his day by posting there. Will make a real post here soon, hopefully complete with angst, and/or humourous reflection on something, proving that math majors can indeed write, and my degree is therefore useful in some small way.

Have a good day all,
Lindsay